Sunday, May 30, 2010

#68 - Defy Gravity

Ever go from 0 – 193.km’s/hr in 4 seconds? (0 – 120miles/hr for my American readers). I did, and I nearly crapped my pants.


For my birthday this year I asked T if he’d take me to ride roller coasters. It has always been one of my favorite things to do…ok well not always….

There used to be this theme park outside Windsor, Ontario called Boblo Island. It wasn’t top of the line roller coasters or anything, but it was a pretty big deal for anyone under the age of 10. Once per summer my parents would load our cousins and us up and off we’d go. I would stand and watch my male cousins ride the roller coasters while I drove the bumper boats or rode the train. One day and I remember this clearly my dad decided I was old enough to go on the pirate ship – you know it looks exactly like a pirate ship and just rocks back and forth higher and higher – like this:



Not a big deal right? You wouldn’t think there would be much harm in taking me on this? This is where my father, everyone on the ride, and probably most of southern Ontario found out that I cannot go on rides that go backwards. I am perfectly fine if I am moving in a forward direction at any speed, but the moment I go backwards my world comes to an end. My vision starts to blur, I become dizzy, and my stomach feels like it is going to evacuate my body and it’s anybody’s guess out of which orifice it will use. I remember my dad trying to calm me while screams that even I didn’t know I could produce came from me while crying and trying not to puke all over everyone. Now I had never seen this happen, nor have I seen it happen since – but the ride conductor stopped the ride, let my dad and I off, and then started the ride again. I am sure this was one of my dad’s prouder moments.

I didn’t go near a roller coaster again until high school when friends of my sister and I took us to Canada’s Wonderland. They were boys and attempting to act macho and by doing so we had to be cool and all of a sudden I was on the front seat of the largest roller coaster in the park…..and I enjoyed it, and got hooked. For years after that reintroduction to roller coasters I made the trip to Cedar Point to ride the big coasters – but I still can’t go backwards.

In the last 6 years I had been to Cedar Point twice where one roller coaster was ruled off limits by me. It’s called Top Thrill Dragster, and the ride only lasts 17 seconds – so how scary can it be? Well it starts from taking you from 0 – 193.1 km’s in 4 seconds only to then launch you straight up 420 feet, then straight back down again to a grinding halt. Here see for yourself:



I have sat and watched the ride take off, or seen the reactions of the people once they are off the ride, but I could not bring myself to do it. One year T went on it with a friend as I wouldn’t go. But this year, this is the year I had to defy gravity – so time to bite the bullet.

T & I were allowed into the park an hour before the general public as we had stayed at the resort the night before. Who needs caffeine in the morning when you can be riding a roller coaster by 9am?! T wanted to head to Top Thrill Dragster right off the get-go – me not so much. I needed to warm up to that kind of scariness, so we hop on I’d say the two scariest leading up to it – The Maverick, and Millennium Force. Those two were a piece of cake, and with no lines we had accomplished both in about 25 minutes, so off to Top Thrill Dragster we go where the wait was about 10 minutes. During those 10 minutes you read all of these interesting facts about how it cost Cedar Point 25 Million to build Top Thrill Dragster, and there are signs repeatedly telling you to look forward and hold on when the ride begins. Every train that returns you watch as people curse, and laugh, and attempt to put themselves back together as the ride does a number on your hair and some articles of clothing.

I tell myself that if those people can do it, I can do it. No problem. Well not until I read a sign that says occasionally the train does not make it up and over the top and not to worry that it will just reverse back down the track to the starting position. Wait? WHAT? They put this sign where there is no point of turning back. There is no exit door for those people who can’t go backwards and weren’t warned that this was a possibility. All courage I had to ride this ride went right into the crapper. Pirate Ship fears resurface.

We reach the platform and I’m in shear panic, but not trying to reveal this to the teenagers who are also second guessing why they are in fact going to ride it also, when someone asks T if we’d like to go ahead of them so they can ride on the same train as their friends. T accepts and we are second from the front in the train. This is the closest T has ever come to ‘death via j9’. We get on and pull the restraints over and I double, and then triple check the security of it as I’m repeating very loudly “I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this”, which once we move to the starting position turns to very loudly “f#ck this, f#ck this”. And then you see lights flash but don’t want to believe its happening and you are gone. The only good thing about the force off the take off is that it pushes you into your seat so you feel safe as you are not pressing against the restraints – that is until you drop over the top and your ass is no longer in your seat and you are clinging to the restraints for life. Then just like that it is over and you realize you are not dead, but you may indeed want to check your pants.

Would I recommend this ride to you? Well if you are healthy, haven’t recently had heart surgery, have low blood pressure, don’t suffer from irritable bowel, are not pregnant….(I’m beginning to sound like those drug commercials). Then do it. But don’t say I didn’t warn you :)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

#71 - Get Over Yourself

First I would like to say that I am not freaking out. Not freaking out. Not freaking out….. ok maybe a little freaking out? If I keep repeating that I am not freaking out then I am not freaking out. However, if you look like a duck, and quack like a duck….



Today is 29. Wow. I spent all of my teenage years trying to be older and now all I want to do is be younger. Things are going to start going downhill. Things will sag and droop, laugh lines and age spots will appear. Age appropriate clothes will have to be worn. There will be more bills and crazy grown up costs like getting the a/c repaired or having a tree removed (because it's going to fall on my house) instead of spending that money on clothes and alcohol. I'll have to start acting like an adult because I am one.

I don't want to be one. In my early twenties I lived within blocks of the bar strip in a university city. I had an adorable one bedroom apartment that looked like Ikea threw up in it. It was a shoebox, was next to train tracks, and was noisy at all hours of the day - but I loved it. I was broke and trying to juggle full time work and going to school at the same time. Every night I'd be out, every weekend would be an adventure, and I loved every moment of this life style. But was I happy?

Looking back I didn’t think I was. I had just had my heart handed back to me after it had been torn, pulled, shredded and then ran over by a mack truck. I was struggling to survive on my own often driving home to have my parents buy me groceries or put gas in my car. All I wanted was a good job, a bigger apartment and a guy who wouldn’t break my heart.

In the last 10 years I have moved 9 times. I have changed jobs 7 times. Doesn’t that just scream stability? I crave change more than most people change hair styles. I love living at a fast pace, I hate routine and subconsciously I probably want to slow down (that’s what older people do right?) – but I fear boredom.

Then there is the kid issue and let me tell you it’s a biggie. How at age 29 do I not 100% know which way I want to go in this area – it’s a major part of life. Kids annoy the crap out of me. Whether it be that they are crying and crapping and taking away from sleep, to limiting the ability to participate in spur of the moment activities, to costing a fortune, to needing constant attention/supervision, to talking back and rebelling. I am not a mean person; I just think I’m missing the motherly gene.

Speaking of the motherly gene and on a side note – Happy Birthday Mom – thank you for having me on your birthday.

Here’s the kicker - subconsciously I have been preparing for kids for years; Setting myself up in a job that I can take mat leave (not that I could take a full year to spend with something that can’t hold a conversation), painting the spare bedroom a neutral color, and randomly running names by T. I am told that everything is different when it’s your own kid. Well how do I know that for sure? Do I go in blind and then when that is not the case I don’t have the option of returning it. (Yes, unconsciously I also refer to children as it’s).

This just doesn’t look like any fun:



In my last year of my twenties I have that good job, I have a much bigger living space, and I have the guy who won’t break my heart, and I still want more. So I’m craving some change and am going stir-crazy sitting still trying to determine what’s going to go down. New job? More travel? Kids?

I can’t decide and instead of stressing myself out over the entire situation I’m just going to go get over myself and ride some rollercoaster’s. Screw growing up.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

#14. Read: “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” by Christiane Northrup M.D


This book is 830 pages and reads like a text book. Only I couldn’t read it like a text book as my mother (a librarian) took the book out for me and they frown against receiving them back full of highlighted pages. Also I would be lying to you if I told you that I read all 830 pages. I don’t have that kind of time – but believe me I tried. Last Saturday after getting 10 hours of sleep I decided I was the most awake I had been in probably months so it was a good time to put a bigger dent in the book. I read maybe 20 pages and then took a 4 hour nap.


There are 14 chapters in the book ranging from The Menstrual Cycle to Menopause and everything in between. Did you know that women’s cycles sync with the tides and moon phases (women’s cycle = 28 days – moon goes around the earth in 27 days, 7 hours, and 43 minutes), and that depending on what ‘issue’ has happened to you in life can predetermine what female ailment you will have?


I have discovered that perfectionism is a characteristic of the addictive system and I never saw myself as having an ‘addictive’ personality. Perfectionism is caused by the need for external order to cover internal chaos – but what internal chaos have I had for YEARS? Does internal chaos never pass? Supposedly my running could also be a sign of my addictive system - as if we use it to run away from stress (which is exactly what I do), or to disconnect from our deepest selves, it is no different from the addictive use of valium. Now I’ve never taken valium, but I’ve definitely experienced the runners ‘high’.


I skipped the entire chapter on pregnancy and birthing – why? Because I’ve read ‘You – Having a baby’, and it only confirmed my suspicions that Me-Having a baby is not a good idea. Actually whenever I talk to most women my age about children, their eyes light up and they discuss potential time frames and how many they’d like, and my mind automatically goes to the ‘Run Away’ scene from Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail.




Yes.I.am.crazy. How can one person link the thought of having a child to farm animals being used as weapons? Analyze.That.

Christiane Northrup is absolutely brilliant and there is nothing I disagree with her that I have read. She has great insight on women and how we have the power to heal ourselves when we look within ourselves for the root cause. You can find more information on her on her website HERE

Reading this book you will try to relate everything to your own experiences and will over analyze everything. You will find yourself waking up your husband from a dead sleep to ask him if when the moon is in the last quarter if he finds you more reflective. So for T & I’s sanity I have decided to change to some lighter reading for the long weekend. Who really has the time to read 830 pages and accomplish all 101 things? Not me.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

#36 – Accept Compliments

Imagine this if you will. It’s 1996 you are trying so hard to be ‘cool’, but cool in your own ‘I need to be a unique but still fit in’ kind of way. You’re wearing black and white striped (think skinnier than zebra print) loose pants and a way too expensive for your 14 year old self white guess blouse, oh and Nike sandals. (No I will not post a picture). You are hanging out sitting against the wall of your high school when one of your guy friends walks by, glances, you meet eyes and smile, and just as he’s about to pass he turns back and says “Janine, you look good today”. You say nothing – why? Because you aren’t good at accepting compliments. This was the last thing my friend said to me before he was involved in an accident and passed away. I swore up and down I’d accept compliments from then on in his memory, and with the anniversary of his death just passed I realize I have failed at this miserably.

The thing is – how do you accept compliments when you don’t believe them or feel them yourself? I go through my daily life attempting to avoid judgement, but I am the most critical of myself. I’ve set the bar for ‘success’ for myself both personally and professionally so high that I can never reach it, and without reaching it how can I believe that I’m doing well enough to receive compliments? I have a way of tucking and rolling out of compliments - like:


Them: “You completed a ½ marathon – congrats.”


Me: “Well, it wasn’t a full marathon.”


Them: “You look amazing.”


Me: “I’m still not where I want to be”


Them: “Your house is great”


Me: “We don’t quite have it the way we want it yet”


I can’t quite bring myself to say a simple ‘thank you’. My eyes will hit the floor, and I’ll change the topic but I can’t utter those two words. I could use my one year of psych study to tell you that it stems from being a victim of childhood bullying (but that’s another story for another day).


So with age 29 approaching at warp speeds, and for all the years I’ve been given that my friend didn’t, this is going to come to an end. Who are you really if you aren’t good enough for yourself?


It’s pretty clear with this blog I’m putting it all out there – judge all you want. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point – but I don’t care anymore. Who have I got to impress? Which is exactly how my friend lived his life – I should have taken notes when I was too busy attempting to be ‘cool’.
So:


“Thank you. The ½ marathon kicked my ass but I did it.”


“Thank you. I do look amazing; I love shopping for all new clothes”


“Thank you. I love my house and I bust my ass daily to make it look like this”

 
Today all stress seemed to pile. The ugly cry was about to take place all the way home from work when a friend saw this and decided to talk me through it. When I admitted to wanting to spend a day in the dark, alone in my closet, because I was feeling weak – I received a compliment that turned my day around; “You are not weak, if you were weak you wouldn’t be putting up a fight for what you want – you’d be sitting and taking it – you are strong”.


THANK YOU. I needed that.


All thank-you’s will now be in person starting tomorrow. Life is too short to not appreciate what you’ve accomplished.

Friday, May 7, 2010

#4 - Dump Toxic Friends

Ever have a really good friend that in reality is really bad for you? She’s always up for doing things and having fun, but she’s very negative, not supportive, and takes far more from the relationship than she ever gives. I had one of those, but after numerous fall outs we finally had one so large there was no going back. Since then I have not allowed toxic friends to consume any of my time or energy as I don’t have it to spare. Mind you, if you are my friend, I am there at anytime for anything, and I will do whatever it takes to make it better.


So I don’t really have any toxic friends to dump. But I do and have had many friendships where I grow frustrated, and I’m thinking it’s time to cut those out completely – and that is my friendships with members of the opposite sex. Now, don’t go all ‘guys and girls can’t just be friends’ on me – they can. I am a strong believer that once you find something about that person that doesn’t make them a match for you they automatically fall into the ‘friend’ category. For example, I don’t smoke and wouldn’t date a smoker – so a guy who smokes is just my friend. Guys are fun - they watch sports, drink beer, and play pool all while wearing blue jeans and a ball cap – as do I. I am more comfortable in a sports bar or a pub than I am in any dance club.

My first great guy friend I went to high school with. We would go to movies, golf, and shop together. I got to know his family really well and when my parents were on vacation and I didn’t want to spend a night alone in the house he’d come and sleep over (on the couch of course). This continued into college where we’d go out for dinner, grocery shop, and go to parties together. We’d go on day trips to auto shows, golf shows, concerts, or Ikea. He would listen and joke and turn bad days into good ones. I ended up introducing him to a co-worker of mine and they hit it off, and I stopped seeing him so much. Now, I never see him at all, and I miss him.

I have a co-worker who has become a good friend. It started one morning with a “my girlfriend and I split up”, and I then started to listen daily as he told me about the break up, the grieving of the break up, and the million dates he was hurdling himself into to get over the break up. It was pure drama and so entertaining. We’d go to the Gap on our lunch when they were having a sale, or to have a cheeseburger when it was ‘one of those days’. He’d suggest great movies, allow me to read his writing, and give me an unbiased male perspective when I wanted it. I’d answer e-mails, texts, and phone calls whenever he’d A – e-mail his ex girlfriend, B- sound like he was going to jump off a bridge, or C- do something disastrous to destroy one of his dates. Then one of the women worked out and I now get ‘you are taking up my time, I need to be playing video games before the girlfriend comes over and takes up all of my time’ - completely changing the dynamics of our relationship. I kinda miss him too.

The next great guy friend works with T. He travels a lot so we always have really great conversations via messenger when he’s alone in a hotel somewhere and wanting company. He tells me his dating stories and wants the female perspective on situations and I give it to him. We go out every Friday night after work for ‘free beef Friday’s at a local sports bar with friends and often end up back at his place playing video games or watching hockey. He calls me his pimp and is forever trying to get me to find him a woman, but you know what - I kind of don’t want to because then I’ll lose him too.

Is this what we as women do? Suck up all of our boyfriends/husbands spare time? I tell you if we do it’s not on purpose. I love it when T wanders off for a few hours – the house is quiet, it stays clean, and I get to watch my TV shows on the big TV. I also have no problem with T having friends that are girls – he has a few, they just don’t live close to us.

I guess I am frustrated with females for ruining my male friendships. I’m starting to believe I’m a rare female who doesn’t suck up all of my husband’s time and is ok with him having female friends. Is there anyone else out there like this? Don't get me wrong I want all of my guy friends to be happy, I just wish I could still be around to see it.

I don’t have any toxic friends, but I do have frustrating male friendships – so I’m going to weed out those.