Ramblings from a bottle of wine

Here is J9 after a bottle of wine. Just a warning. I like to give those. 

I'm turning to the blog as the bff just went to bed. If I was being a responsible human being I would be in bed finishing the second Mindy Kaling book and getting a solid 8 hours of sleep. Clearly, I'll spend the next hour typing whatever, and the next hour after that correcting it - because I am a grammar/spelling natzi, even drunk. 

So here is a random tidbit about me. I always, and I mean ALWAYS see 12:34 on the clock. I started noticing it in first year at University (15 years ago) and it has never stopped. I'm sad 15 years ago was first year. I am sad time has gone by so quickly. It's my persona to be sad for all the things I didn't become, but my thirties have taught me to own whatever has gotten you to where you are now. I am where I never wanted to be, and it is a huge interpersonal struggle. I'm exhausted from asking myself the 'what if's', I'm exhausted from having two children so close together in age. 

I wanted to be a woman in a suit who works on the 34th floor of some sky scraper,  who gets to travel internationally for work, who is emotionally unattached from life. When my 19 year old self pictured my future, she is who I adored. Possibly because emotionally un-attaching yourself from life seemed desirable. Prior to that, you know a singer/actress seemed purely attainable ;)

I don't view my achievements as a mother as self fulfilling. I think I should be climbing the corporate ladder or even just working for 'the man' to bring in my own money. G is absolutely brilliant (however, lately caught up in Mario Bros games), and A I just potty trained at age 2 1/2. I have these two perfect little beings that I am responsible for making into decent human beings. That is a lot of pressure. Try to do that and keep part of you, it is almost impossible. As when you get too far into what childhood images/milestones you have accomplished with them you still feel inadequate to the 'Jones'. Fuck crunchy (yes I'm looking at you child wearing/cloth diapering/organic feeding people) parents. I'm doing things to the best of (and better than) my childhood memories, so it is the best I can do. 

If one more person who doesn't have an actual child of their own thinks they know anything about anything, and decides to share their knowledge on whatever parenting issue they think they have knowledge on, I'm going to punch them in the face. A. You don't know the depth of this love. B. You know shit. There, I put that out there. 

I guess the love for my children shocked me. I was so career driven, that children were just something I could do and get over with. I didn't understand the depth of the commitment to their well-being. I didn't understand how much time and effort I'd put into making sure they have the best childhood possible. I hope to hell they aren't sitting in psychiatrists offices years from now ranting about how their mother ruined their youth. 

There is only so much I can do before I lose my mind. I need to feel valued too. I need to feel like I have a purpose other than just serving two tiny bosses. I need to be out, have adult conversations, break free from the endless make believe worlds, and non stop resistance towards me and the rules I impose on them. 

When I left my career a friend/co-worker told me to go write a book. I wish I had. I wish I could. Believe me I've thought about it a million times, and come up with plots, characters, etc, I just don't have it in me. I've done wood-working and a few sewing projects, but I can barely keep up with this blog. There are not enough hours in the day. I'm sad for that. I feel like I sacrifice myself and my potential and that is selfish - I know. 

The bff (as mentioned above) and I are starting up a side business. Just something we can do when we have spare time. We are going to create a few items and sell them at craft shows this summer. Something we can pick up and put down according to our schedules. Something that doesn't take away from the children, something that gets us out and spending time together. As much as I know it won't bring in the money that working for 'the man' would. I know that I only have 7 months left until G is in school and our life is scheduled around that. I need to make the most of the 'free' time we have. I need to go on adventures, and continue to teach him how to read and write, and ride a two wheel scooter or bike. 

On my deathbed I will not be sad that I took this time out to spend getting to know, and forming lifelong relationships with my children. These are priceless days. I just wish who I have been, my persona, would be happy to take the back seat for awhile. I just want to feel genuinely happy. I want to look back on these years as the best years, and not the years I fought a battle with myself. 

Being a woman, a mom, a wife, a entrepreneur, a dreamer, is hard. And that is an understatement. 

If you build it.........

Hey Siri!

 So guess what? This girl got an apple watch for Christmas! T says I’m unqualified to write a review, as I can’t speak to the technical aspects of it – but oh well. I’ve read it could in the futurestop you from drinking and driving, tell you to take a breath when stressed,monitor & track seizures and I’m sure many other amazing things. Google will tell you all of that. I can tell you about wearing it every day.

The watch is a mixed bag for what I want it to do – which is everything. It’ll get there I’m sure; I’ve just got to be patient (which I am not).

First things first; I can say “Hey Siri” followed by whatever and boom it’s done. I set reminders, I message people, I check the weather all by saying “Hey Siri”. This is very useful for cooking – you know because talking is easier than having to push buttons on the oven.

At any given time you can check how many steps you have taken in the day, how many calories you have burned, how many ‘active’ minutes you’ve done, and the distance you’ve gone. It also wants you to stand every hour for at least a minute. So you’ll be sitting there all nice and cozy and then “DING, get your ass up”. You know you want the reward of perfection (or I do) at the end of the day so up you get. It sets daily goals for you and then ups them weekly depending on how you’ve done. Luckily for me I started it when I was couch ridden with the plague so I set my bar low.

I have found that you need to have your phone close by for it to work. Leave your phone inside, go outside and shovel your driveway – no active minutes for you. If anything, I’ve become a pro at not forgetting my phone anywhere.

Speaking of which. Can’t find your phone? You can control your itunes account from your watch. Start it up, play a song. Done. The watch locks as soon as you take it off, so without knowing the pin code no one can just put it on and have access to all your stuff.

You can’t get facebook on it – probably for the best. You can however send & receive facebook instant messages. You can get instagram. Those are really the only two I use. I also synch my instagram pictures with the picture ap on the watch. For what, I have no clue?

Are you lost pull up a map. Actually have Siri do it. For the most part though it only gives you tidbits of the actual aps. By that, I mean a news headline will come through followed by ‘read more on your iphone’ and you can have it then open on your phone. Same with the camera & flashlight aps. You can open them & then control that feature on your phone. I can see maybe using the camera for setting up pictures, but not sure the purpose of the flashlight?

Another really bad thing (for me) is that you can Amazon shop right from your watch. That is just unhealthy.

My issues with the watch:

1.     It having to be so close to the phone to track. I don’t want to run with my phone, but do want the data. Boo. Fitbit might still have one up here.

2.     I think the options for the face display are corny

3.     It could get really annoying to have constant notifications coming in – I turned off email/instagram notifications.

4.     If I wear it for say 16 hours the battery drains to 40% or so. There is no way I could go two days without charging it.

5.     When needing to respond to a text/email and want to say something other than the standard ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘talk later’ etc. options, you have to dictate to Siri, which means everyone around you hears your side of the communication.

I think that’s it. Answering your watch in public is unbelievably weird. You feel kind of like Inspector Gadget and then very quickly have to tell the person they are on speaker. I learned that one quickly. You can turn off the volume so you don’t get the beeps, and then it kind of taps your wrist – that confuses people even more. Silence, and then you are talking to your arm.

Also learning all the punctuation commands for Siri is exhausting. I can’t stand shortcuts & laziness in text & email communication. I spend more time trying to correct what I just attempted to say than pretty much anything else right now.

Overall, it is making life easier, so that is awesome. I hate becoming more dependent on technology, but there are more pro’s than con’s. So I’ll keep it. Now if only Siri could cook & clean...