#67 – Kick one Habit

Long time – no talk. Want to know why? I procrastinate.


I get in these funks that you can’t see coming and can’t predict when they’ll end, where my world comes to a screeching halt. Nothing is right in the world, nor will it ever be – so whatever attempt to fix it is just wasting your time during this period. I deem nothing worth doing, and it takes everything in my being to just be. I mope, I pout, I bitch, I scream, I cry.

And absolutely nothing gets done.

What’s that you wanted dinner? The dinner that I planned two weeks in advance and have all the groceries in the fridge ready to be used? Oh well, that’s nice. Not going to happen, I’ll get to that later – along with laundry, gardening, bill paying, and having adult conversations. Poor T, never knows when it’s going to hit and then looks at me as if I have a sign that reads BACK.AWAY.SLOWLY. flashing neon pink on my forehead. It’s kind of like a domestic strike – some women dream of this.

This latest funk I believe stemmed from the ‘I have no direction’ statement a few entries back. Could someone have just piped up and told me to do something about it? Yes, and they tried, but I was procrastinating about change so nothing would have happened until this morning.

This morning I had to bring some extra clothing with me to work as I’m heading to a concert straight from work and don’t think heels at an outdoor venue is the best option. So I grab a bag from the closet, but not just any bag, a Lululemon bag. I get to work, I get bored, and I start looking around and voila! Words of inspiration, and oh they didn’t tickle.

The first being ‘Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself'. Really? This is not good. As stated above nothing is right, nor will it ever be.

Others include ‘Stress is related to 99% of all illnesses, ‘Breathe deeply & appreciate the moment! Living in the moment could be the meaning of life’, ‘The world is changing at such a rapid rate that waiting to implement changes will leave you two steps behind. Do it now! Do it now. Do it now!’

So, time for some change, and I’m not just going to think about change. I’m going to make some decisions, and make life a little more challenging and rewarding. Screw this holding pattern that is causing me major freak outs and possibly health issues. Procrastination is so over.

I’ve had this song on repeat all day as its motivating and seems like an appropriate theme song for these changes, and it helps that I’ll be seeing the band in roughly 2 hours.

In the 7 hours since I glanced at the bag I’ve decided I need a career change, to participate in the ‘run for the cure’, need to take up Yoga, and blog a whole hell of a lot more.

Anyone else out there up for some changes? I believe in strength in numbers!

#84. Forgive Your Parents

Doesn’t forgiving your parents usually entail a few months and a few hundred dollars paid to a shrink? I don’t think I need to partake in such an extremity as I find it difficult to find something to forgive them for.

Let me tell you about the people who created such a unique spawn, and maybe you’ll understand me a little more?

My father is the middle child of a family of 3 boys. He grew up on a farm, is a mechanic by trade (and hobby), works for Shell (the refinery), and loves to watch hockey and play golf. He is the strong, silent type – we often only hear my dad’s opinions through my mother. However, if you get him on the phone when no one is around you can’t get him to stop talking. He is very picky and opinionated. For instance he thinks that cars should not be any shade of pink, purple, or teal, and should not have bumper stickers and nothing should be hanging from the rear-view mirror. If a friend’s car had any of those features it could not be parked in the driveway. He also believes any flat surface should not be cluttered, and will often remove objects and put them places where no one would think of looking for them, just to get them off the counter. This drives my mother insane.

He loves to teach me everything he knows. I spent hours in the garage as a kid learning about greasing pistons, and replacing fan belts and wheel bearings. Now he teaches me about lawn maintenance and all the tools required. To receive an e-mail from him is priceless. He types with one finger – so to get an e-mail that is more than two sentences and has capitals and periods – you know it took him a lot of time to compose.

Where to start with my mother? She is the oldest of 5 girls, is educated as an ECE teacher, but is a librarian. Which I find unbelievable that she can be quiet for long periods of time as her personality and laugh are vibrant. She hates all things electronic as they continually get more difficult to operate. She doesn’t sit still (THIS is where I get it from); she has travelled to Haiti numerous times to work with orphans, and has an abundance of affection that she gives out freely. This could be why I have a big heart but don’t like being touched – because I was smothered as a child!

My mother & I’s relationship has its moments. I was born on her birthday making us both Gemini’s – so on any given day our multiple personalities conflict. Our opinions on various things differ and we are both very passionate arguers. This would not seem like a good relationship for most people, but for me, I love it. She challenges me, makes me think, and supports me even if our views are different. As much as we are different, and don’t resemble each other at all, we have identical facial expressions and hand gestures. I also get my ‘ugly cry’ from my mother. There is a picture floating around of the two of us on my wedding day partaking in an ‘ugly cry’ - but I will not post that so that we can both keep our pride. She will also kill me if I post a picture of her.

So what could I forgive them for?

My father does not show affection. Not once have I heard ‘I love you’ from him – but I’m perfectly ok with that because I inherited that trait, and you rarely hear it from me. He shows everyone he loves them without words. I remember childhood Christmas’ where there would be surprise family gifts under the tree that even my mother didn’t know about. You know the wedding ugly cry with my mother mentioned above – well it was because my dad replaced all my fake wedding jewellery with real jewellery without letting either of us know. When T was away on business my dad drove an hour and a half to my house to cut my grass for me. So I forgive him for not showing affection, I prefer it that way.

My mother has always set the bar high. “Hey Mom, I got an A on a project” was answered with “Good, but so-and-so got an A+”, or “Mom, I’ve lost 40lbs”, and get a “Good, but so-and-so who’s going through a divorce right now lost 65!” There is always a ‘but’. This also isn’t such a bad thing. It makes me want to succeed just to show her I can which makes me a better person. I remember telling my mother shortly after getting my business management diploma that I was going to apply for a position to manage a golf course. I had worked in the golf industry for my summers throughout college as everything from beer cart girl to grounds crew so I felt I was qualified. I don’t remember her exact words, but I know she was doubtful, and it only made me put that much more into the cover letter and interview eventually getting the job. I have always felt that she thinks I can do more and be more. She came with my dad the day he came to cut my grass. I had just gotten home from work and was tidying the garage when they got there so I offered to let her into the air conditioning. Somewhere between unlocking the door and walking to the kitchen she started crying and said “My baby girl is all grown up and she’s so beautiful, you are so beautiful”. I had never heard that from her and it was everything I could do not to cry.

Now, I’m not going to get all sappy because that’s not how I roll. But honestly, my parents are awesome, and I wouldn’t want them to be any different. I am who I am because of them, and I appreciate what they’ve done for me. I need not forgive them for anything.