I'm turning to the blog as the bff just went to bed. If I was being a responsible human being I would be in bed finishing the second Mindy Kaling book and getting a solid 8 hours of sleep. Clearly, I'll spend the next hour typing whatever, and the next hour after that correcting it - because I am a grammar/spelling natzi, even drunk.
So here is a random tidbit about me. I always, and I mean ALWAYS see 12:34 on the clock. I started noticing it in first year at University (15 years ago) and it has never stopped. I'm sad 15 years ago was first year. I am sad time has gone by so quickly. It's my persona to be sad for all the things I didn't become, but my thirties have taught me to own whatever has gotten you to where you are now. I am where I never wanted to be, and it is a huge interpersonal struggle. I'm exhausted from asking myself the 'what if's', I'm exhausted from having two children so close together in age.
I wanted to be a woman in a suit who works on the 34th floor of some sky scraper, who gets to travel internationally for work, who is emotionally unattached from life. When my 19 year old self pictured my future, she is who I adored. Possibly because emotionally un-attaching yourself from life seemed desirable. Prior to that, you know a singer/actress seemed purely attainable ;)
I don't view my achievements as a mother as self fulfilling. I think I should be climbing the corporate ladder or even just working for 'the man' to bring in my own money. G is absolutely brilliant (however, lately caught up in Mario Bros games), and A I just potty trained at age 2 1/2. I have these two perfect little beings that I am responsible for making into decent human beings. That is a lot of pressure. Try to do that and keep part of you, it is almost impossible. As when you get too far into what childhood images/milestones you have accomplished with them you still feel inadequate to the 'Jones'. Fuck crunchy (yes I'm looking at you child wearing/cloth diapering/organic feeding people) parents. I'm doing things to the best of (and better than) my childhood memories, so it is the best I can do.
If one more person who doesn't have an actual child of their own thinks they know anything about anything, and decides to share their knowledge on whatever parenting issue they think they have knowledge on, I'm going to punch them in the face. A. You don't know the depth of this love. B. You know shit. There, I put that out there.
I guess the love for my children shocked me. I was so career driven, that children were just something I could do and get over with. I didn't understand the depth of the commitment to their well-being. I didn't understand how much time and effort I'd put into making sure they have the best childhood possible. I hope to hell they aren't sitting in psychiatrists offices years from now ranting about how their mother ruined their youth.
There is only so much I can do before I lose my mind. I need to feel valued too. I need to feel like I have a purpose other than just serving two tiny bosses. I need to be out, have adult conversations, break free from the endless make believe worlds, and non stop resistance towards me and the rules I impose on them.
When I left my career a friend/co-worker told me to go write a book. I wish I had. I wish I could. Believe me I've thought about it a million times, and come up with plots, characters, etc, I just don't have it in me. I've done wood-working and a few sewing projects, but I can barely keep up with this blog. There are not enough hours in the day. I'm sad for that. I feel like I sacrifice myself and my potential and that is selfish - I know.
The bff (as mentioned above) and I are starting up a side business. Just something we can do when we have spare time. We are going to create a few items and sell them at craft shows this summer. Something we can pick up and put down according to our schedules. Something that doesn't take away from the children, something that gets us out and spending time together. As much as I know it won't bring in the money that working for 'the man' would. I know that I only have 7 months left until G is in school and our life is scheduled around that. I need to make the most of the 'free' time we have. I need to go on adventures, and continue to teach him how to read and write, and ride a two wheel scooter or bike.
On my deathbed I will not be sad that I took this time out to spend getting to know, and forming lifelong relationships with my children. These are priceless days. I just wish who I have been, my persona, would be happy to take the back seat for awhile. I just want to feel genuinely happy. I want to look back on these years as the best years, and not the years I fought a battle with myself.
Being a woman, a mom, a wife, a entrepreneur, a dreamer, is hard. And that is an understatement.
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| If you build it......... |
