Tuesday, August 24, 2010

#63. Be a nudist for a day (or a week sporadically)

I have the solution to ending the energy crisis. No more black outs or brown outs or smart meters. I’m currently putting together a promotional brochure advising everyone to go nude. If you think your house is warm, take off your clothes - it’s not. Do you have a basement? It’s basically Antarctica down there. Think turning on a fan is a good idea? Sure if you want every hair on your body to stand at attention! Also, unless you’ve got great window treatments – turning on the lights is not a good idea.


With my sister away last week on vacation (she lives with us), I discovered that I spent more time nude in my house than usual. You see – why put on clothes to run downstairs in the morning to put on coffee? and while you’re down there you end up feeding the cat, and then turning over the laundry, and maybe surfing the net? One thing leads to another and then you’re standing in your dining room picking out wine and you discover that the neighbours just got to know you really, really well.

T would love to come home every night, walk into the house, drop his pants at the front door, and wander around in his undies for the rest of the evening. This drives me crazy. I used to find his pants randomly all over the house, or a collection at the front door. However, he clued into the nakedness last week and did something far worse. Arriving at home late one night after playing ball hockey in insane heat he proceeded to remove his sweat drenched clothing in my living room and park his bare sweaty ass on my couch. Now luckily, I have wonderful furniture where the slip covers can be removed and put through the ‘sanitize’ cycle because febreeze was not going to cure that. Hence the new rule in our house – no nudity after sweating prior to having a shower.

There is a nude beach within an hour’s driving distance, and I thought I might get ballsy and attempt it. I figured out driving directions, found chats where I discovered I should strip at a stump before entering the beach area and that it is family friendly. I asked T if he’d go with me. NO. I didn’t want to go alone, and well I didn’t want to go with anyone else either. So, no nude beach for me.

I discovered a few things – sleeping, watching TV, internet surfing, and reading are all easily done nude. Getting the paper off the front step, answering the door when a neighbour stops by, and cooking anything in a frying pan are all very difficult. There was a lot of blanket wrapping. Also, don’t even attempt to iron – I’ve got a rather nice burn mark in an awkward place on my arm, which constantly rubs against clothing reminding me of my stupidity.

Going nude will reduce your cooling costs, save on laundry and clothing costs, and give you a sort of ‘free’ feeling. However, living with T, if I had heard “but you’re already naked” one more time, I probably could have pleaded temporary insanity and gotten away with it!

Friday, August 20, 2010

#101 - Bounce Back

When I tell you that I have had the week from hell, it is an understatement. At some point I must have pissed off a witch doctor, broken a mirror, or crossed a black cat – I never believed in superstitions until this week, and well, there is no other way to explain the non-existent luck that has been ALL mine.


Are you squeamish? SKIP this paragraph.

Remember the nightmare of the removal of the wisdom teeth where I discovered just how old I actually am? You would think that the experience was over and forgotten about, with it being months later.100% WRONG. I started feeling what felt like a tooth coming into where the wisdom tooth had been removed, and a sharp piece was pushing on the side of my gums, and it hurt like hell. So off to the dentist I went where not only was I given a needle, but I also got my gums cut open to expose the piece of bone that had fallen and the sharp edge shaved off because the piece was too big to be pulled out with pliers – YES, they tried, and I was awake for the entire ordeal.

Next came yesterday morning. I was on my way into work stopped at a light on a highway off ramp waiting to turn left. Well, the dumbnuts at the front of the group weren’t on the sensors so the light was not changing and cars were backed all the way down the ramp. Others decided to hop in the right hand turn lane and turn right then do a U-turn and head back as they didn’t want to sit there all morning. I look at the clock, realize I will be late for work if I wait longer, and decide to do the same thing. That was the most horrible decision EVER. The guy behind me pulls out, I follow him, and as we approach the intersection this jackass decides he should be in my lane, and cuts over about to side swipe my car, so I move to avoid him and hit the guy in front of me.

Like this: (as drawn for my co-workers)


The guy in front of me is a complete ass. He’s driving a Nissan Altima, and gets out of his car with a note pad, and demands my license and insurance info. I look at his bumper as we were driving all of 10 km’s an hour and my license plate has left a mark the length of the side of it, and that’s it. The guy is losing his mind stating that his entire bumper will have to be replaced and that his engine started making a noise when I bumped him. BULLSHIT. Now I know I’m a girl, and I have blonde hair, but I know enough to know that the engine is located in the front of the car, and that the mark on his bumper is nothing. However he’s a pompous ass who was acting like the world is coming to an end.

There is no damage to my car (Volkswagens are tanks), except for a turn signal bulb has burnt out. Easy enough right? WRONG. I go to Canadian Tire and tell them what I need and they hand me what looks right, I bring it to my mechanic, he pulls out the bulb and I have the wrong bulb. Back to Canadian Tire with the bulb I require in my hand. Do they carry it? No. I have to go to the dealership. So I call the dealership and they want to charge me an hour’s worth of labour to replace a light bulb and re-glue some rubber trim that is loose. I don’t think so. Guess who’s doing it all herself?

I call my insurance company to give them a heads up that a pompous ass will be calling about his bumper, and they tell me I need to go to the reporting station that is on the other side of the city – when there is nothing wrong with my car!!! So I do, I get there and am told because the accident happened on the off ramp and not on an actual city street I need the OPP which is located two seconds from my work. I end up at the OPP office where the officer is basically laughing at me for reporting it as he agrees with me that there is nothing wrong with my car. Then he proceeds to tell me that no charges will be laid. CHARGES?! WHAT THE HELL. I am only there because my insurance company requires it, not to turn myself in. F&*K this.

To add insult to injury on the way home from work the coffee that I didn’t get around to drinking or emptying spills all over the passenger seat. Then when brushing my teeth I re-open the gums that were JUST healing. This morning, I’m ironing in the nude (to be explained in a later entry), and I burn my arm.

I can’t win. My life hates me. But am I taking it lying down? Did I climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head? No. I’m bouncing back. I’m not letting anything else bad happen. It is finally Friday and I returned to the scene of the accident (which I will have to do daily), and felt fine. I drank my fresh roasted hazelnut vanilla coffee that I didn’t get to yesterday without spilling, and I’ve planned an amazing weekend for myself. Hello Mr.Brightside - wanna make out?

Bouncing back is not hard if you don’t give up on yourself. Now where is the booze?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

#38 – Unplug your TV for a while.

As a kid home in the summers my father sounded like a broken record – “Shut off the TV and go outside”, or “Do you even know the sun is shining?” Our eyes would glance up from whatever talk show/soap opera/video game we were watching or playing and we’d give him a look as we didn’t believe his question justified a response.
What I would do to have those summers back! All that wasted time sitting starring at a screen when I could have been exploring, reading, taking up photography etc. I’ll go all cliché on you and say that if I only knew then what I know now, I would have seen and done so much more with my free time.

This summer I had a plan, a plan to catch up on series of television shows that people have told me were good. I was going to rent entire seasons and get caught up before the new fall season started and it hasn’t happened, and well face it – with August ½ over, I don’t have the time to accomplish such a large task. I can honestly tell you that the TV in our house has only been on once in oh say two months, and that was because I was forced to watch ‘The Bachelorette’ finale so I had something to discuss with my boss.

My summer has been all about reading. Am I turning into my mother, and further The Nana? Possibly. My list of summer reads grew longer and longer, and with a packed social calendar, the time to actually sit and read has grown shorter and shorter. I started the summer with Elizabeth Gilberts Eat Pray Love followed by her ‘Committed’. Next I went onto Emily Giffin’s ‘Heart of the Matter’, then Jennifer Weiner’s ‘Fly away home’ and now Elin Hilderbrand’s ‘The Castaways’. Next up I have Stieg Larsson’s trilogy of ‘The Girl’ series. Where in there is there time for TV?
Stieg Larsson's Millennium Trilogy Bundle: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest
With all that being said come fall with the new shows starting, I will be once again dedicating at least part of my time back in front of the television. I do long for lazy NFL Sundays spent entirely in front of the TV. I don’t however long for the end of summer.

Anyone reading anything good? I’ve got a beach vacation coming up and don’t it like when I can see the end of my ‘to read’ list.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Get a Manicure/Pedicure

So the word has gotten out. People who read this have finally stopped attempting any kind of awkward hug or touch with me. AWESOME. I actually got high-fived good-bye from my aunt which in my world is absolutely amazing.

I mean what is the point of physical touch with someone you’re not close with anyway? I get that a handshake is a friendly gesture – but really where has that hand been? People’s hands are weird. Sometimes they are hot and clammy which just makes you want to wash your hands immediately after, and sometimes they are cold and you wonder what they’ve just been up to. I would prefer to not take the risk of catching a flu bug, or pre-judge you by the temperature of your hand, and maybe just give you a friendly smile, or fist bump – if I like you.

Then there is hugging. I understand that if someone is sad a hug may be of some comfort and therefore I against my better judgement will partake in this – but only if forced. Most of the time it’s uncomfortable trying to figure out the strength of the squeeze or just how long you should hold the hug for. If I had my way a pat on the back or a hand on the shoulder would suffice for everyone. On radio programs in the morning you often hear of people giving out ‘free hugs’ downtown to make people’s day better – how does getting a hug from a complete stranger make anyone feel better?

Last week I was approaching a mall when an older man was approaching carrying a large box. His foot caught on the curb and he did a face plant directly in front of me in oncoming traffic. What do I do? I run to help him of course, but I couldn’t touch him. He had climbed to his knees and had the wind knocked out of him, but I didn’t know how he’d feel with a strangers hand on his shoulder or arm. So I just leaned in and spoke with him to make sure he was ok, retrieved his box, and helped him to his car. Was this the right thing to do?

Anyway I crossed the get a manicure/pedicure off my list, and let me tell you I love the results, but I hate the process. The manicure was not horribly awful except for being in such close quarters basically holding the hand of someone you do not know. I got a French manicure on my own nails and it looked lovely – except that the results only lasted maybe 2 days and I was constantly worried about the polish chipping – but what can you expect for $7.

Next onto the pedicure – ready to be grossed out? Remember that little run I did back in April? Well, this is what my running shoes did to my toenails:



Do you think I need new running shoes? The cosmetologist took off my existing nail polish and asked “you drop something on your feet?” I apologized, explained the situation and then went through the most agonizing 20 minutes of my feet being touched/scrubbed/massaged/clipped and then the toenails repainted, and now they look like this:



I don’t think I’ll pay $30 and put myself through this torture again, when I’m pretty sure with a hot bath and a $7 bottle of nail polish I can accomplish the same results.