Tuesday, June 29, 2010

#24 Hold Your Booze

I took this task as a challenge. Just how much can I still drink? Why not find out at a family wedding – the reputation with them was shot years ago! Hell, the reputation is because I am one of them.


We are rye drinkers – specifically Crown Royal. My family drinks CR like its water. So much so that if you’d like to make a little extra $$ just have me inform you of when our next family function is and buy stock in CR RIGHT before. And by family function I mean, Christmas, birthday, wedding, anniversary, or just basically any two of us at the same place at the same time. Christmas is basically everyone showing up with a 40 and passing it to their right.

The first family wedding where all cousins were able to drink was mine – two years ago. An import (cousin’s then g/f), decided that she thought the family should all do shots every hour on the hour. Why of course – why didn’t we think of this? Only what do we want to do shots of? CR! We held her to it, and well she didn’t make it to breakfast the next morning.

So why not test out my tolerance for alcohol at their wedding? Only seems fair. The last time I attended a wedding so close to the US border I ended up having a friendly late night chat with border security.

Back in the day a not so smart friend of a friend decided to sponsor me one night to drink rye at the bar. Poor guy didn’t know what hit him. I tried to explain small town to him while I walked him to the bank machine 3 times. I think, and don’t exactly recall, but I think I had 17 ryes. This is the one and only time I can say I blacked out – but not until after we closed down the place, partied a little longer, and had decided it was time to crash. When I woke up I was sleeping on the floor outside my bathroom where a mirror had fallen on top of me, and there were 12 missed calls on my phone which was in my hand. I did not get sick. I got up and drove to visit my parents fully functioning. This I have deemed as my ‘tolerance’ – mind you I was oh say 22.

7 years later I decide that one 40 of CR is not enough and make sure T picks up another one at duty free on his way back into the country. We have a 2 ½ hour break between wedding and reception where we head to a friend’s place and this is where all starts going downhill. I clearly recall making two very large rye & Pepsi’s – but on an empty stomach. This is where I inform them that they are going to have a party and that I will be showing at their house on this date at this time to be prepared. This is also where we decide that a pit stop needs to be made to pick up the stuff for jager bombs – do you see this getting better?


The ride to the reception I don’t recall much of. However, once we get there T puts another drink in my hand. Good Man. This is where I confuse the wife of my high school phys-ed teacher to be the girlfriend of one of my high school friends’ little brothers. Priceless, and not at all awkward for me! I think I squeeze another drink in before the bar closes for dinner and speeches – and I don’t touch the wine on the tables – mixing is just not a good idea. I cheers to the happy couple a million times with water or I fear it will be an early night.

After speeches the bride keeps eyeing us up and mouthing to give her 10 more minutes as she has to make it through the first dances? Hmmmm. This can only mean bad things. Yup, 20 more minutes, one room key, and 15 family members later we are in a hotel room doing shots of CR, followed by a trip to the parking lot to do a jager bomb. Oh and there’s T with another drink for me. And.Repeat.

At the end of the night I think I had had 10 rye & Pepsi’s, 3 shots of rye, and 4 jager bombs? I remember seeing an amazing fireworks show, my sis dropping an F bomb in front of my father after she caught the bouquet, and an amazing dancing tribute to Michael Jackson by my cousin. I remember having to sleep on the couch because A – it was close to the bathroom, and B – the leather was cold.

I did not get sick (although it probably would have been in my best interest to do so). I made it to the 17 # I was aiming for only I’ve been paying for it for the last two days. I can still party with the young n’s – I just can’t recover as quickly – seems to be the story of my life.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Flying Solo (#26 & #50)

#50. Lose your virginity again


According to the book I am not supposed to just hop into bed with anyone out of lust or curiosity (done and done years ago - not discussing.) So after how long can you consider it losing your virginity again? Now I have been married nearly 2 years so we’re not exactly newlyweds anymore. How does 30 days tickle your fancy? Yes, I’m being serious – not a joke, just very, very bad timing. It started with not being the right time of the month, followed by the wisdom teeth nightmare, and 2 weeks of business travel for T.

I am an organized person – how did I not see this dry spell approaching? Wait - is dry spell an underststatment? -it's all Sahara desert up in here. Banditt's morphed into a camel. I spend my days scheduling my life so that one thing does not overlap another, and that enough time is allotted for each event. I guess now I really have to schedule everything.

To make matters worse when T finally does arrive back in the Country next weekend I will be picking him up and we will be spending the weekend at my parents for a family wedding. Next weekend is also our second wedding anniversary – so it may just be time to do #60 and do it somewhere risky. This madness needs to end.

So I guess I’ve found the secret to keeping your love life spicy – be miserable with each other, followed by a period of pain and unattractiveness and sedation, and when you’ve recovered and have the itch, make sure your significant other is in another Country -works amazingly well. It won’t be a “hey it’s you again”, it’ll be a “You’re FINALLY home”. This makes all you single folks want to run to the altar – doesn’t it? Good, I’ve done my job.

But wait. There is a bright side to all of these horribly timed events. The first being my new found love of avoiding pain by sedation. The second being an amazing weekend at the cottage spent with just my sister (this has never happened), all of these blog entries that I’m logging because I have time. TIME. I never have time, and I would have energy too if I could just eat solid foods again. But time oh how I’ve missed you. I have written, and read books, and slept. I think I’m getting a little taste of the good life –but at what cost?


Here is #26 Masturbate. – CAUTION FAMILY MEMBERS (yes mom, that means you)

Right from the get-go I never thought there would be a time when this subject would even be close to approachable. I’ve gathered people’s opinions on how to approach the subject and thought about it myself, and I’m not a prude (who am I kidding?) – but there is only so much you should tell complete strangers and all of your family members. Family should not be thatclose.

There has recently been a debate on what age sex ed should be taught in schools. I honestly can’t remember being taught anything until grade 9, and believe me masturbation was not one of the top subjects. It was more of a “You’re too young to be doing this, but if you do, wear this, and here’s how to put it on” – not “here’s option B – touch yourself”. My first real introduction was I believe grade 12 when a friend who had an older sister started openly sharing things that I didn’t want to hear. Then I decided why do it yourself when you can have others do it for you? Years later I realize that was the wrong approach.

(This pic has absolutely nothing to do with this post, I just think it's brilliant advertising and wanted to share)

So taking this approach I am sure I am years behind the experts as according to the dairies I’ve been reading (for an upcoming blog) I have rarely been single. I started doing some research into aids to see what I’ve been missing. Just looking at these websites are enough to make me blush. It’s like – you do what with what? Where? Um.No.

And that's all I'm saying...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

#88 – Adopt Another Motherland

There’s something about coming to this place. The place that was created for the sole purpose of enriching our family’s life and creating the most amazing memories a person could ever ask for. When away from this place for too long you ache to be back, and because of all of the memories you could be anywhere in the world and it wouldn’t compare to here.


The first thing you do when you get here is run to the water’s edge stick your feet in and breathe in the fresh air. You glance around and remember the endless hours spent digging holes to China or building sandcastles. You remember water wings and inflatable toys and not having a care in the world. The only thing that could slow you down was the ringing of the bell that my grandmother would ring to notify us it was time to eat. There were endless walks on the beach looking for water glass and sea shells and then eventually boys. Playing with beach toys became tanning and listening to music and playing in the big waves. With each passing year we would get braver swimming further and further into the lake to find the big rocks.

If it wasn’t a good beach day we would attempt to ride our grandparent’s bikes that were far too big for us down the back trails and would most definitely wipe out. We’d play Crokinole or Uno – which would eventually turn to Euchre or whatever gaming system we’d brought with us.

The sunsets are amazing. You plan your day around them. You stop, watch, relax, and enjoy. You pour yourself a large glass of wine, find yourself a chair, and listen to the waves.


A pipe band marches down the main street and back every Saturday night in the summer and the town stops. People line the sidewalks while others walk behind the band. I have done this every year since I was born – pipe music is in my bones. I was pushed in a stroller, rode on my dad’s shoulders playing the drums on his head, and now walk if here on a Saturday.

There are daddy-long legs spiders here – lots of them. Here is the only place I will put fear aside and tolerate them to an extent.

Campfires started with everyone around the campfire learning how to roast marsh mellows and feeding all the burnt ones to grandma. We would tell stories of our adventures from the day and talk of our big plans for the next. Gradually firecrackers, guitars, alcohol, and conversations that could not exist anywhere but here take place.

This is my favorite place. This is where I escape. When the world gets too big and too hard you know you are always welcome here. There are always freshly baked pastries, good conversation, and a peacefulness that you cannot find anywhere else. Even in the winter I will pack up the DVD player, a few movies, and some comfy clothes, and spend my days and nights here in front of the fire. There is something in the air here that allows the best naps and the best night’s sleep to take place.

For all of these reasons I got married here. I walked down the same path to the beach that I once ran down as a child. I stood where I once built sand castles. I got pictures taken where we play very competitive games of horseshoes. I brought everyone important to me to my favorite place. I made all those same people walk with me behind the pipe band after dinner as I don’t miss a parade – rain or shine, wedding or no wedding. As much as I usually don’t think I could handle having children – watching them play here on the beach makes me think I want my own.

I have just been put through the most exhausting two weeks and a very bad experience with wisdom teeth removal. Still on pain meds, getting a cold, and barely able to find the strength to exist, Sis suggested the two of us escape to the cottage. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, but I knew being here would cure me.

We arrived to lasagna and garlic bread fresh out of the oven – but of course the feet had to go in the lake first. We changed into comfy clothes, poured ourselves wine, and headed for those beach chairs to watch the sunset – this has become my therapy. I absolutely believe that this is the one place I truly relax.

My grandparents have enjoyed this place as their home for as long as I have been around and I believe it has enriched their lives beyond anything I am capable of understanding. My only hope is that one day 50 or more years from now I can say that I also enjoyed my piece of paradise that I found to enrich the lives of my family and that they too can sit back and appreciate what life has offered them. My adopted ‘mother land’ is actually ‘grandmother land’ – no other place can compare.

Monday, June 14, 2010

#99 Give Yourself A Make Under

Let me first tell you this was forced. I’ve been MIA for a while and it’s because I haven’t been conscious enough to write or even look at a screen for longer than 5 minutes without having to take a nap. Last Thursday my wisdom teeth were removed and that is when the make under began.

More days than not, I will not leave the house without hair and make-up done. I will be wearing the appropriate outfit for the weather with matching shoes, and the appropriate accessory whether it is an umbrella, purse, or sunglasses. My toenails are always polished (even in winter), finger nails are always manicured and earrings are always worn. Well not Thursday.

The instructions from the surgeon read:

1. No make up

2. No nail polish

3. No jewelry

4. Wear only loose wide neck tops

There I went looking pale, sickly, nervous, and absolutely not wanting to be there. When I came to afterwards I looked like this:

Not.Even.Kidding
I don’t recall consciousness Thursday at all.

Friday I made it as far as the couch and fell into the routine of wake up, experience pain, take drugs, sleep, and repeat. Thoughts of showering or changing clothes didn’t cross my mind. My father had come to take care of me and accidentally let Banditt outside. Not very stable on my feet I attempted to venture out to try and find Banditt where my neighbor didn’t even recognize me. I looked that scary.

Saturday comes along and everyone was hoping I’d be better by now. A birthday party on the beach is planned as well as some shopping, and am I well enough to do either? Nope. I can’t even summon the energy to shave the 3 days hair growth off my legs.

Sunday the pain has gotten worse. Instead of trying to ease myself off the Tylenol 3’s so that I can work Monday I find myself doubling the dosage - my face still isn’t shrinking back to normal size. Monday is payroll day – I can’t miss a Monday!. Luckily with the new web based software I determine that payroll can be done from my living room. I summon the strength to sit in the shower – the first shower in 4 days! That is insane.

Monday arrives and my attempt to scale back the drugs overnight so that I can concentrate on payroll has only caused me horrific pain. There I sit in my living room in the same lululemon pants and sports bra I put on days before with the same shirt/sweater beside me in case I get cold or a guest visits. No makeup, hair in a ponytail and yes as ill as I am the underwear is still changed daily. I am pissed at this point, pissed that I'm not healing - I want normalcy. I call the nurse at the surgeon's office and ask what the delay is with my recovering and her response and I quote is "I'm not by any means saying 29 is old, but age is a factor here." ARE YOU KIDDING? I nearly strangled her through the phone. So because I'm not a spring chicken I have to deal with extended pain?!?

I now haven’t thought about clothing or put on makeup or did my hair in 4 days, and it’s been kind of nice. There has been no laundry (not that I’m in any shape to do it), there has been no time spent on finding the right eye shadow or the right pair of shoes. I’m sure my legs are the hairiest they have ever been and I don’t give a damn (T is gone on business for 2 weeks). I have fallen out of the social circle due to all my time napping and the fact that it hurts to talk so conversations are short.

I feel like I have fallen off the planet and with the exception of the pain and the evil nurse it has been wonderful. No need to be anywhere or have anything done (except payroll). Not only has been getting my wisdom teeth removed good for my oral hygiene, but it’s been relaxation therapy as well. I think everyone should participate in a make-under, it relieves stress, re-energizes your body, allows you to catch up on sleep, and allows you to clear your head. I just don't advise on getting your wisdom teeth out - unless of course you are young and can rebound quickly.