#24 Hold Your Booze

I took this task as a challenge. Just how much can I still drink? Why not find out at a family wedding – the reputation with them was shot years ago! Hell, the reputation is because I am one of them.


We are rye drinkers – specifically Crown Royal. My family drinks CR like its water. So much so that if you’d like to make a little extra $$ just have me inform you of when our next family function is and buy stock in CR RIGHT before. And by family function I mean, Christmas, birthday, wedding, anniversary, or just basically any two of us at the same place at the same time. Christmas is basically everyone showing up with a 40 and passing it to their right.

The first family wedding where all cousins were able to drink was mine – two years ago. An import (cousin’s then g/f), decided that she thought the family should all do shots every hour on the hour. Why of course – why didn’t we think of this? Only what do we want to do shots of? CR! We held her to it, and well she didn’t make it to breakfast the next morning.

So why not test out my tolerance for alcohol at their wedding? Only seems fair. The last time I attended a wedding so close to the US border I ended up having a friendly late night chat with border security.

Back in the day a not so smart friend of a friend decided to sponsor me one night to drink rye at the bar. Poor guy didn’t know what hit him. I tried to explain small town to him while I walked him to the bank machine 3 times. I think, and don’t exactly recall, but I think I had 17 ryes. This is the one and only time I can say I blacked out – but not until after we closed down the place, partied a little longer, and had decided it was time to crash. When I woke up I was sleeping on the floor outside my bathroom where a mirror had fallen on top of me, and there were 12 missed calls on my phone which was in my hand. I did not get sick. I got up and drove to visit my parents fully functioning. This I have deemed as my ‘tolerance’ – mind you I was oh say 22.

7 years later I decide that one 40 of CR is not enough and make sure T picks up another one at duty free on his way back into the country. We have a 2 ½ hour break between wedding and reception where we head to a friend’s place and this is where all starts going downhill. I clearly recall making two very large rye & Pepsi’s – but on an empty stomach. This is where I inform them that they are going to have a party and that I will be showing at their house on this date at this time to be prepared. This is also where we decide that a pit stop needs to be made to pick up the stuff for jager bombs – do you see this getting better?

The ride to the reception I don’t recall much of. However, once we get there T puts another drink in my hand. Good Man. This is where I confuse the wife of my high school phys-ed teacher to be the girlfriend of one of my high school friends’ little brothers. Priceless, and not at all awkward for me! I think I squeeze another drink in before the bar closes for dinner and speeches – and I don’t touch the wine on the tables – mixing is just not a good idea. I cheers to the happy couple a million times with water or I fear it will be an early night.

After speeches the bride keeps eyeing us up and mouthing to give her 10 more minutes as she has to make it through the first dances? Hmmmm. This can only mean bad things. Yup, 20 more minutes, one room key, and 15 family members later we are in a hotel room doing shots of CR, followed by a trip to the parking lot to do a jager bomb. Oh and there’s T with another drink for me. And.Repeat.

At the end of the night I think I had had 10 rye & Pepsi’s, 3 shots of rye, and 4 jager bombs? I remember seeing an amazing fireworks show, my sis dropping an F bomb in front of my father after she caught the bouquet, and an amazing dancing tribute to Michael Jackson by my cousin. I remember having to sleep on the couch because A – it was close to the bathroom, and B – the leather was cold.

I did not get sick (although it probably would have been in my best interest to do so). I made it to the 17 # I was aiming for only I’ve been paying for it for the last two days. I can still party with the young n’s – I just can’t recover as quickly – seems to be the story of my life.