#24 Hold Your Booze

I took this task as a challenge. Just how much can I still drink? Why not find out at a family wedding – the reputation with them was shot years ago! Hell, the reputation is because I am one of them.


We are rye drinkers – specifically Crown Royal. My family drinks CR like its water. So much so that if you’d like to make a little extra $$ just have me inform you of when our next family function is and buy stock in CR RIGHT before. And by family function I mean, Christmas, birthday, wedding, anniversary, or just basically any two of us at the same place at the same time. Christmas is basically everyone showing up with a 40 and passing it to their right.

The first family wedding where all cousins were able to drink was mine – two years ago. An import (cousin’s then g/f), decided that she thought the family should all do shots every hour on the hour. Why of course – why didn’t we think of this? Only what do we want to do shots of? CR! We held her to it, and well she didn’t make it to breakfast the next morning.

So why not test out my tolerance for alcohol at their wedding? Only seems fair. The last time I attended a wedding so close to the US border I ended up having a friendly late night chat with border security.

Back in the day a not so smart friend of a friend decided to sponsor me one night to drink rye at the bar. Poor guy didn’t know what hit him. I tried to explain small town to him while I walked him to the bank machine 3 times. I think, and don’t exactly recall, but I think I had 17 ryes. This is the one and only time I can say I blacked out – but not until after we closed down the place, partied a little longer, and had decided it was time to crash. When I woke up I was sleeping on the floor outside my bathroom where a mirror had fallen on top of me, and there were 12 missed calls on my phone which was in my hand. I did not get sick. I got up and drove to visit my parents fully functioning. This I have deemed as my ‘tolerance’ – mind you I was oh say 22.

7 years later I decide that one 40 of CR is not enough and make sure T picks up another one at duty free on his way back into the country. We have a 2 ½ hour break between wedding and reception where we head to a friend’s place and this is where all starts going downhill. I clearly recall making two very large rye & Pepsi’s – but on an empty stomach. This is where I inform them that they are going to have a party and that I will be showing at their house on this date at this time to be prepared. This is also where we decide that a pit stop needs to be made to pick up the stuff for jager bombs – do you see this getting better?

The ride to the reception I don’t recall much of. However, once we get there T puts another drink in my hand. Good Man. This is where I confuse the wife of my high school phys-ed teacher to be the girlfriend of one of my high school friends’ little brothers. Priceless, and not at all awkward for me! I think I squeeze another drink in before the bar closes for dinner and speeches – and I don’t touch the wine on the tables – mixing is just not a good idea. I cheers to the happy couple a million times with water or I fear it will be an early night.

After speeches the bride keeps eyeing us up and mouthing to give her 10 more minutes as she has to make it through the first dances? Hmmmm. This can only mean bad things. Yup, 20 more minutes, one room key, and 15 family members later we are in a hotel room doing shots of CR, followed by a trip to the parking lot to do a jager bomb. Oh and there’s T with another drink for me. And.Repeat.

At the end of the night I think I had had 10 rye & Pepsi’s, 3 shots of rye, and 4 jager bombs? I remember seeing an amazing fireworks show, my sis dropping an F bomb in front of my father after she caught the bouquet, and an amazing dancing tribute to Michael Jackson by my cousin. I remember having to sleep on the couch because A – it was close to the bathroom, and B – the leather was cold.

I did not get sick (although it probably would have been in my best interest to do so). I made it to the 17 # I was aiming for only I’ve been paying for it for the last two days. I can still party with the young n’s – I just can’t recover as quickly – seems to be the story of my life.

Flying Solo (#26 & #50)

#50. Lose your virginity again


According to the book I am not supposed to just hop into bed with anyone out of lust or curiosity (done and done years ago - not discussing.) So after how long can you consider it losing your virginity again? Now I have been married nearly 2 years so we’re not exactly newlyweds anymore. How does 30 days tickle your fancy? Yes, I’m being serious – not a joke, just very, very bad timing. It started with not being the right time of the month, followed by the wisdom teeth nightmare, and 2 weeks of business travel for T.

I am an organized person – how did I not see this dry spell approaching? Wait - is dry spell an underststatment? -it's all Sahara desert up in here. Banditt's morphed into a camel. I spend my days scheduling my life so that one thing does not overlap another, and that enough time is allotted for each event. I guess now I really have to schedule everything.

To make matters worse when T finally does arrive back in the Country next weekend I will be picking him up and we will be spending the weekend at my parents for a family wedding. Next weekend is also our second wedding anniversary – so it may just be time to do #60 and do it somewhere risky. This madness needs to end.

So I guess I’ve found the secret to keeping your love life spicy – be miserable with each other, followed by a period of pain and unattractiveness and sedation, and when you’ve recovered and have the itch, make sure your significant other is in another Country -works amazingly well. It won’t be a “hey it’s you again”, it’ll be a “You’re FINALLY home”. This makes all you single folks want to run to the altar – doesn’t it? Good, I’ve done my job.

But wait. There is a bright side to all of these horribly timed events. The first being my new found love of avoiding pain by sedation. The second being an amazing weekend at the cottage spent with just my sister (this has never happened), all of these blog entries that I’m logging because I have time. TIME. I never have time, and I would have energy too if I could just eat solid foods again. But time oh how I’ve missed you. I have written, and read books, and slept. I think I’m getting a little taste of the good life –but at what cost?


Here is #26 Masturbate. – CAUTION FAMILY MEMBERS (yes mom, that means you)

Right from the get-go I never thought there would be a time when this subject would even be close to approachable. I’ve gathered people’s opinions on how to approach the subject and thought about it myself, and I’m not a prude (who am I kidding?) – but there is only so much you should tell complete strangers and all of your family members. Family should not be thatclose.

There has recently been a debate on what age sex ed should be taught in schools. I honestly can’t remember being taught anything until grade 9, and believe me masturbation was not one of the top subjects. It was more of a “You’re too young to be doing this, but if you do, wear this, and here’s how to put it on” – not “here’s option B – touch yourself”. My first real introduction was I believe grade 12 when a friend who had an older sister started openly sharing things that I didn’t want to hear. Then I decided why do it yourself when you can have others do it for you? Years later I realize that was the wrong approach.

(This pic has absolutely nothing to do with this post, I just think it's brilliant advertising and wanted to share)

So taking this approach I am sure I am years behind the experts as according to the dairies I’ve been reading (for an upcoming blog) I have rarely been single. I started doing some research into aids to see what I’ve been missing. Just looking at these websites are enough to make me blush. It’s like – you do what with what? Where? Um.No.

And that's all I'm saying...