Today is 29. Wow. I spent all of my teenage years trying to be older and now all I want to do is be younger. Things are going to start going downhill. Things will sag and droop, laugh lines and age spots will appear. Age appropriate clothes will have to be worn. There will be more bills and crazy grown up costs like getting the a/c repaired or having a tree removed (because it's going to fall on my house) instead of spending that money on clothes and alcohol. I'll have to start acting like an adult because I am one.
I don't want to be one. In my early twenties I lived within blocks of the bar strip in a university city. I had an adorable one bedroom apartment that looked like Ikea threw up in it. It was a shoebox, was next to train tracks, and was noisy at all hours of the day - but I loved it. I was broke and trying to juggle full time work and going to school at the same time. Every night I'd be out, every weekend would be an adventure, and I loved every moment of this life style. But was I happy?
Looking back I didn’t think I was. I had just had my heart handed back to me after it had been torn, pulled, shredded and then ran over by a mack truck. I was struggling to survive on my own often driving home to have my parents buy me groceries or put gas in my car. All I wanted was a good job, a bigger apartment and a guy who wouldn’t break my heart.
In the last 10 years I have moved 9 times. I have changed jobs 7 times. Doesn’t that just scream stability? I crave change more than most people change hair styles. I love living at a fast pace, I hate routine and subconsciously I probably want to slow down (that’s what older people do right?) – but I fear boredom.
Then there is the kid issue and let me tell you it’s a biggie. How at age 29 do I not 100% know which way I want to go in this area – it’s a major part of life. Kids annoy the crap out of me. Whether it be that they are crying and crapping and taking away from sleep, to limiting the ability to participate in spur of the moment activities, to costing a fortune, to needing constant attention/supervision, to talking back and rebelling. I am not a mean person; I just think I’m missing the motherly gene.
Speaking of the motherly gene and on a side note – Happy Birthday Mom – thank you for having me on your birthday.
Here’s the kicker - subconsciously I have been preparing for kids for years; Setting myself up in a job that I can take mat leave (not that I could take a full year to spend with something that can’t hold a conversation), painting the spare bedroom a neutral color, and randomly running names by T. I am told that everything is different when it’s your own kid. Well how do I know that for sure? Do I go in blind and then when that is not the case I don’t have the option of returning it. (Yes, unconsciously I also refer to children as it’s).
This just doesn’t look like any fun:
In my last year of my twenties I have that good job, I have a much bigger living space, and I have the guy who won’t break my heart, and I still want more. So I’m craving some change and am going stir-crazy sitting still trying to determine what’s going to go down. New job? More travel? Kids?
I can’t decide and instead of stressing myself out over the entire situation I’m just going to go get over myself and ride some rollercoaster’s. Screw growing up.
lol I'm only 20 but I understand that constant crave for change. I've moved 4 times in the past 2 years. I've been here for almost 5 months and already I'm itching for something different. I don't believe it has anything to do with age I think your just a free spirit who craves adventure and theres nothing wrong with that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyhting u think. I am in uni right now and I hate it, all I want to do is move on with life.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I despise other peoples children but wonder what it would be like to have my own. Then I go fully off the idea of kids.