#2 Break All Your Parents' Arbitrary Rules

When I first starting putting together this blog I called my mother and told her I needed to break all of her arbitrary rules, and asked what they were as I haven’t lived there in about 9 years. Her response was “You already did that in high school – mark that off your list”. So being the helpful person that she was I consulted with my brother and sister and decided that it would be way too much fun to break all their rules while in their house without them knowing I was doing it. I decided a trip home was in order - there are 2 spare double beds in the house they gave my brother one and his girlfriend the other - two SINGLE people get double beds, and T & I get an air mattress in the livingroom. GAME ON.


My first opportunity arose when my mother asked for a ride to drop off a gift at someone’s house. These were not friends of hers – she sees them maybe once per year, and they’ve never met me. They were standing in their garage when we pulled in and she said it would only take 2 seconds. 5 minutes later I decided to break the ‘don’t embarrass your mother rule’ as my paitence had run short. I used to have to put up with waiting in the car for her to chat to whomever for forever because it was her car. Not this time. It was a warm sunny day, the windows were down, and the sunroof was open and oh geez Jay-Z just happened to come on the radio. Volume level 8 = no response. Level 12 = a shake of the arm. Level 15 = a glare but still no movement. So all hell needed to break loose – level 25, and I started rapping. That did it, she was back in the car, but nothing was said. I was saddened by the lack of a response.

The next opportunity came with dinner. When I lived at home profanity was banned from the house – only dad could swear and only in the garage, unless of course he dropped something really heavy on his foot or the score of the hockey game ended not in his favor. So after drinking a bottle of wine to myself mid afternoon (I need to stop doing this), I decided that I was going to drop an ‘F bomb’ during dinner. It wasn’t a large dinner, just my parents, T, my brother and his girlfriend. I placed myself in a spot where I wasn’t within smacking distance of either parent and I waited for the perfect opportunity – this is extremely hard when you’re ½ in the bag and you’re having a hard time focusing on the conversation, let alone remembering your ultimate goal. Then just as a story of what took place on the golf course earlier in the day commences I add a “holy f*&k, that’s crazy!” I instinctively duck, and protect my head, only nothing comes at me. I get a wide-eyed look from my brother, but again – negative on the response.

Finally I think I’ve come up with a plan – a plan that will push my dad over his breaking point. We had a pool when we were kids and the rule was no wet bathing suits/towels past the laundry room door. You had to be dry or you were not to enter the house. Well, now there’s a hot tub instead of a pool, but all the same rules apply – towels/robes/bathing suits are all kept in the laundry room. After returning from the hot tub T (being the good son-in-law that he is) headed right to changing into dry clothes, I decide to wander past the laundry room/living room line dripping wet. I stand in the living room talking to my dad soaking the carpet and get no response. So I then head to the spare bedroom to talk to my mother, then back to the living room, and then all the way upstairs leaving a water trail everywhere, and I get nothing!

I don’t get it? 10 years ago I would have had a big can of whoop ass opened on me. Have my parents become softies over time or are they just happy that we are there now so they don't complain? Have I reached the age where I can't get in trouble any more because I should know better? 415 days until I'll grow up and am forced to know better, until then I've got another trip 'home' planned in a few weeks. BRING IT. (am I seriously talking smack to my parents?) Sorry Mom if you're reading this - love you :)