I’ve made a list of my ‘what if’s’ and they mostly revolve around boys and this ticks me off. As I’m currently reading my diaries for a future post and it’s mostly about boys too. And I hate to sound all cliché but if I knew then what I know now……
Let’s start off by telling you that in my head I have probably made my relationship with my high school boyfriend out to be a hell of a lot better than it actually was. Also, put in the fact that we were young, had a lot of extra time on our hands, and no major responsibilities. It was a relationship that I made all others stand up to and most of them failed miserably, but again, over time and life experiences I’m probably viewing it through rose coloured glasses?
He left for university two years before I could with the plan to complete university and move to Toronto. I figured I would fast track through high school and go to university in Toronto and our paths would cross again once more. I fast tracked through high school, applied and was accepted to a university in Toronto, and then chose a university not in Toronto – that’s probably a sign I gave up on a future with him.
But what if I had gone?
I did end up in Toronto following a boy (who I shouldn’t have) in the same time frame high school boyfriend arrived in the city. We never had any contact, nor tried. However, the current boyfriend was still being compared and not holding up. I received a phone call stating high school boyfriend was engaged....
My heart hit the floor. One prime time long distance phone call (when I was flat broke) was made to my best friend to have her confirm I was alright. Why wouldn’t I be? I mean we hadn’t talked in years at that point, but any dream of what could have been went right out the window. Then I started finding all kinds of things wrong with the current boyfriend and we split, and I up and moved two hours away.
What if I stayed?
Flat broke, unemployed, and heartbroken I refused to fly the white flag and move home and in with my parents again. So I rented an apartment I could barely afford, took the first job I could get in retail, and attempted to find love again. At one point in-between jobs I had gone home to eat their food. Honestly, I was tired of cereal, rice, mac and cheese, and the thought of a free abundance of food and meals made for me every day was enough to get me home. If I didn’t have to pay for food it made paying the rent easier. A friend of mine was leaving for Europe and was having a going away dinner at a restaurant that I couldn’t afford the gas to drive the two hours back to the city, or the food at the restaurant, but I decided to go anyway. That’s where I ran into T.
What if I hadn’t gone?
I’m feeling like this entire entry should be given the Clash’s ‘Should I stay or should I go’ theme song.
The thing is, I drive home every day and pull into my driveway and think to myself that this is exactly where I should be. When I was completely down on my luck, had given up on love, and didn’t have a hope in hell of being where I am today T took me as I was. I didn’t have to be anyone other than myself, I from day one trusted him with anything, and his calm and humorous personality balance me out.
Could I have been happy forever in the relationship with high school boyfriend? Probably not. Something about sewing your oats probably would have caused itchy feet to discover what else was out there. Should I have stayed in Toronto? Definitely not, it would have created a whole new state of broke that I’d probably still be paying off. Should I have not gone to the dinner and spent money on gas and dinner to get there? Hell no! But even if you’re broke, you still gotta treat yourself once in a while; I had great food, wonderful conversations with friends, and got a husband out of it! Money well spent.
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