My first diary entry was June 7th, 1990. I was 9 years old and was in grade 4. By far reading through my diaries has been the most daunting and exhausting task. There are years of entries – some I had forgotten, some I had a good laugh at, and some that I didn’t want to remember.
Of course like any other young girl the topic s of my first diary (and well basically all of them) was boys, and of course every boy has the potential to be ‘the one’. Reading these entries takes you back to soccer fields or high school hallways where a glance or a smile would create pages of entries about my newest crush. I have discovered that any male that showed first interest in me I didn’t like, there had to be a chase and excitement to make boyfriend material.
There’s an entire section where I was being bullied in public school. I had kind of forgotten how bad I actually felt at the time. The entries are short, and sad, and are hard to read. My self confidence was definitely on the floor and it seems like only high school and meeting a new set of people/friends with the chance to be an individual and not one of the ‘crowd’ finally helped me be me.
On Oct 17, 1999 I was 18, working in a sleezy bar as a second job and I ended my journal entry with this: ‘ I am going to be one of those old ladies that lives with 11 cats and is very cold never finding the love of her life. Life is cruel, long and stressful. This world is extremely sad. I look at the people who come into the bar, I look at their lives, and I feel bad for them. They really have nothing to show for their time so far – they just drink their money away. I’m going to be and do so much more’. At the time I wrote this I was in a relationship, and had been in numerous relationships and couldn’t get over an ex from high school, so all relationships afterwards were unsuccessful and I figured I would end up alone obviously! I remember getting home from the bar after 3am reeking of smoke falling asleep thinking of the people I had served that night and trying to grasp the concept of that lifestyle being appealing to anyone. I guess I’m happy I listened to my 18 year old self and got out of there. I quit working at that bar 9 days later.
The college years are filled with new friends, heart break, different jobs, and the difficulties of balancing all of them. My early twenties I was trying so hard to be independent and make it on my own and it was such a struggle. Now with my thirties on my doorstep I’m hoping they are filled with more stability and less drama.
I haven’t written in my diary since November 11th, 2008 and really I have no excuse as to why. The last entry gives details of T & I’s wedding, says Barak Obama had just become president and states the economy was bordering a recession. We were hoping housing prices would drop and were planning our overdue tropical honeymoon. I note that I’ve kept my diaries hidden from T – I’m not sure why other than him finding out just how boy crazy I was?!
So I’m thinking a massive update is called for, it will be odd hand writing something as I feel like I haven’t done that in ages. I’m not sure if my kids will one day find these diaries entertaining or think their mother was a complete nut job? But they are sure good to have as a reference to certain periods in my life as much as reading them is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster.
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